February 25, 2008 3:58 PM (archive | main view)
Hollywood's Gone Drag

Cameron Diaz, bad skin.
As the old New York guard -- doyennes of the Upper East Side -- and novelist Erica Jong gathered at the Café Carlyle uptown and mag editor David Zinczenko and actor Alan Cumming hit the Spotted Pig for Oscar viewing parties, I took the best invitation of the evening, the home of celebrity psychic Judi Hoffman.

I first found out about "psychic Judi" in the late '90s when seated across from supermodel Gisele Bundchen at a mutual friend's birthday. Then, little Gisele had just hit the catwalk and Hoffman predicted she would get the Victoria's Secret campaign. Gisele could not stop talking about the prediction. A couple weeks later, it came true. Since then, one major female rock star, several rock star wives, Hollywood producers, and major financiers have sought her counsel. She read me a few years back before a New York Magazine story I penned about her, and three quarters of the predictions came true, including the street where I now live and the initials of my literary agent (before the novel had been finished.)
Hoffman, known to curl her eyelashes and wear leopard bustiers, shows me a wardrobe that would make a drag queen kvell in envy. She dressed for her Oscar hosting in leopard pajamas with hot pink piping. And she donned cheap replicas of at least ten gowns seen last night on the red carpet. This is a BAD sign for Hollywood fashion.

Pregnant Jessica Alba floated into the Oscars wearing a scarlet nightgown, a feather across her chest. And Jennifer Hudson, despite wearing a snake collar at the neck of her white dress was deemed by Hoffman as "the Hindenburg." (To note: The Hindenburg was a German zeppelin that blew up in the sky when landing in New Jersey in 1937.) As Tilda Swinton, the winner for best actress, took a goth approach with a one sleeved black velvet frock, Hoffman gave her verdict. "Death on a stick has arrived."

Having edited the New York Post fashion wrap-up a few years ago and then finding the taffeta prom dresses overwhelming, I think this year's fashion proves -- stylist or no stylist, no matter how many Vogue covers they accrue -- movie stars are not chic.

Certain trends evolved last evening. The dresses -- like the black and red decks of playing cards, Hoffman uses to read clients -- seemed to cut straight down the middle of the room, of red and black silhouettes. Hoffman, jumping up from her bed, pulled identical looks to Swinton -- except her velvet goth number had two sleeves -- red gowns like Hathaway and Heigl, one a Nicole Miller; and a similar silver number to Renee Zellweger, a color exception. Hoffman calls Zellweger, "Pumpkinhead."

Cameron Diaz, whose upswept ponytail mimicked my yoga hair look, decided to relive her prom in a baby pink gown. It wasn't bad, just not interesting. Hoffman shouted, "I have better skin than that."

Proud of her department store knockoffs, Hoffman also tapped into her real talent as a soothsayer. As they approached the screen, she riffed. "Hilary Swank is gay. Daniel Day Lewis is genuine and will stay with wife Rebecca Miller." (We did cry about Miller's black gown with little red bows however.) "Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis will break up in two years. He likes older women. Hal Holbrook will be dead in five years and Phillip Seymour Hoffman will take his place on a PBS storytellers' series. And "best supporting actress" Swinton, who has an open marriage to 67 year old John Byrne and a 29 year old boyfriend, is also really gay."

If it weren't for Hoffman's sideshow of crappy dresses to match the red carpet looks and surprising predictions, the Oscars were a "snooze." When will designers stop kissing Hollywood butt to create women who look more and more ridiculous in their clothes each year? We've finally hit the year of the drag queen. They were out all over LA last evening. Just ask Judi Hoffman.

*Predictions, not fashion advice: judihoffman.com